Happiness

Maybe I am being a little sentimental right now because of tomorrow, but as Rosie says I should surround myself with yellow.  So, what makes me happy or gives me that warm inside feeling like a fresh baked cookie?  What makes my hair stand on end – in a good way -that feeling that you never want to end?  Here is my list.  I know it is not complete.  I’ll probably think of a dozen more later on, but for now this is what I have compiled.

1.  A cool Spring morning with rays of sunshine streaming in the windows and a light breeze blowing the curtains.

2.  The first fallen snowflakes that are big and light and are illuminated by the glow of the moon with no breeze in sight.

3.  The first time the grill is fired up on a summer day.

4.  My children smiling at me and telling me that they love me.

5.  A first kiss.

6.  Repeating marriage vows to the man that you know – through the good and the bad – will be with you for all of your life now and everafter.

7.  The sound of a newborn babies cry.

8.  Receiving an unexpected compliment.

9.  Catching up face to face with an old friend.

10. Receiving good news no matter what the situation.

11. Singing your favorite hymn in church on Sunday morning.

12. Having your child request to sit on your lap even though most of the time they think they are all grown up and to old for such things.

13. Being reunited with a loved one, whether the time was short or long or the distance was feet or miles away.

14. Reminiscing about those that have gone before you. 

15. Realizing that you made it through another day with everyone all tucked in for the night.

16. Accepting that God does lead you down the right path, but it’s up to you to take over at the wheel every now and then. 

The Results – Round II

A few weeks back, I posted that I had received my ultrasound results and that there were cysts on the ovaries and maybe something with the bladder.  The doctor said that the pain that I was still having was not from the cysts and that he thought I should have the bladder checked out to be safe and cover all the bases.  So, this week I went to a urologist.  I figured that he would schedule to have a scope done at the hospital, but I was very wrong.  He did it in his office – that day.  After giving me very little numbing, he inserted the catheter and the scope to see what the polyps looked like.  It was a short exam(painful, none the less) and he said to get dressed and he would be back in to talk to me.  The nurse knew I was nervous and she gave me a heads up.  While the doctor was doing the exam he asked if anyone had come with me, which I took to be a bad sign.  I was close.  The first thing he said is that he can not do anything for my pelvic pain.  There is a little known condition called, very simply, Chronic Pelvic Pain.  It happens in mainly white women of a young age that have had several surgeries in that area.  I fit the criteria.  He said that with those surgeries something is triggered and the pain comes and goes.  OK.  The next bit of news was not as good.

The doctor told me that these polyps that were found on the ultrasound were actually tumors.  These tumors take on different looks and have a pattern.  He told me that, in fact, yes it was cancer, but at this stage is very treatable.  He will do surgery and go in and remove the tumors.  I will have to wear a catheter for a few days after and if I respond well to that, I will not have to stay in the hospital.  He will then do the scope every two months to check my progress, because these types of tumors can return.  So, cancer yes, but not life threatening.  Oh and I will not need any chemo or radiation. 

I was by myself when I found this out and to be honest I was a mess.  You only hear the word cancer and not much of anything else.  But, given a few days I am much better.  I just needed time for it to all sink in.  I also knew that I was going to have to research this a bit more.  Last night, I went on the National Cancer Institute’s website and the Mayo Clinic website to gather more info.  This is what I learned.  The core group that get this type of cancer is in a different category than me.  The doctor said that I do not fit any of the normal stereotypes for this.  90% are older than 55 and 50% are older than 73.  It is the 4th leading cause of cancer in men and the 8th in women.  According to the NCI this years estimates will be that 38,000 men will contract this to the 15,000 women that will.  Last year around 13,000 people died from this disease.  There are different stages to this cancer, as with all others.  According to the diagnosis and treatment, I fall in the Stage 1 category.  He did not say that any of my bladder would have to be removed, which is good.  The likelihood of a recurrence is great, though.  The worst case scenario is that when it returns, if not caught in time, it can spread to other organs.  In my case, it could likely spread to my ovaries, fallopian tubes, vagina, blood or bone.  I feel very confident that with two month check-ups for one to two years, I have nothing to worry about. 

I just find it very strange that I went in for one thing and ended up finding out another.  If this cancer had not been found now, it would have had a chance to continue to grow and spread.  My prognosis would have not been as good as it is now.  It makes you really think.  I mean THINK.  God DOES work in mysterious ways.  

When Bad Things Happen to Good People

Yesterday, it was revealed that John Edwards would indeed keep on track in his bidfor the Democratic Presidential  race.  What he also revealed was that his wife has been diagnosed with a type of bone cancer.  She had successfully beat breast cancer that had been found towards the end of the last election.  It has been reported that this type of cancer is treatable but almost always does not get the best results.  So, I’m thinking that here they are, having dealt with one cancer scare, lost a son in an unfortunate accident and now this.  Mr. Edwards is not someone that I will probably vote for but that doesn’t mean that he is not an OK guy.   In fact, he seems rather likable and has a good family.  I feel bad for them.  How many tragedies does one family have to endure.  It is said that God only gives you what He knows you can handle.  If this is true, then the Edwards family must have a very strong faith.  Whether you like him or not; will vote for him or not; he and his wife deserve our prayers for a healthy recovery.       

A Tribute

Today is my Grandpa’s birthday.  We celebrate this wonderful day within our hearts and to ourselves because Grandpa has passed on.  This May marks two years since he died.  I was fortunate to have grown up with all four of my grandparents and each one brought something special to the table.  Grandpa Yoder was unique.  He was a hardworking farmer, loving husband, supportive father, good sound Christian, wonderful friend, and EXCELLENT grandpa on every level.  He was the kind of man that endeared himself to every one he met.  He had no enemies because there was nothing to dislike about him.  He had a twinkle in his eye and a smile that brought warmth and a tiny bit of orneriness to those he encountered.  His bald head was a sign of character-strong and independent.  He did have a few flaws(who doesn’t).  He was a little too trusting and a really bad procrastinator.  But, we loved him all the same.

He had a heart attack, followed by surgery and then days later a stroke.  This was in 1997.  He spent countless hours in a hospital and even more in a nursing home for rehabilitative therapy.  He had a few more surgeries and each time we called him the cat with nine lives.  He would stare death in the eye and God would tell him not yet.  He got to see the birth of all of his great-grandchildren and hold them in his arms.  He celebrated his 60th wedding anniversary with my grandmother.  He witnessed deaths of his beloved family and friends.  He endured a move to a smaller living facility and the sale of his home and some belongings.  I think that was a tough one for him.  Grandma was unable to properly care for him on her own so they moved to a retirement home where she could have help.  In doing so, their 2 story home(which had been in my grandma’s family forever) was sold and their possesions whittled down.  As a young girl, I had always wanted to live in that house and keep it in the family but, sometimes things are not meant to be.  I had a hard time with their move because I selfishly did not want to make something that was right in front of my eyes a memory.  I loved going to my grandparents - no matter what age I was.  I loved them dearly.  But it came time for Grandpa to go to a better place and live a better life. 

My grandpa was the kind of man that you hope you marry and that someday your daughters marry and your sons turn out just like him.  He was one of a kind.  It didn’t matter if he was scolding you or teaching you how to play Tarzan in the hay mow, his words were always warm and comforting.  I do not know another person like him.  His faith was his guiding light and his love for grandma was his anchor.  He lives on in our hearts.  I am a better person for walking in his shadow and hope one day we will be reunited once again.  We miss you Grandpa!           

Forgiveness

I just read an e-mail one of my friends sent me about my “Tired” post.  She is a straight shooter.  She gives you an honest opinion and a refreshing view of life.  One thing she said to me is completely true.  I did not talk about it in my post because I don’t want to face it.  God can not forgive me until I forgive myself.  Yeah, he can forgive me but, I won’t allow Him to until I forgive myself.  I have talked with doctors and a therapist about what I did that has me wrangled with so much guilt.  The one person that I have not talked to is our minister.  I have made two appointments with her and called and cancelled them both.  I told her on the second cancellation that it was nothing personal, I’m just not ready.  She is as close to God as I’m going to get – in a physical form – and I am not ready to confront all of my sins at one time to her.  I have to let it go.  I have to put the past behind me and leave it there.  Instead, each year as the time approaches when I committed my ultimate sin, I drag myself through the whole thing all over again.  I’m not sure why.  Maybe it is a sick desire to be miserable.  Maybe I’m actually comfortable being this way because I have not experienced true happiness.    I’ve had things in my life that would be considered happy occasions but, what everyone doesn’t realize is that there was always a black cloud hanging over me.  Something was always amiss.  Something was not quite right – not perfect.  My wedding, the birth of our children, holidays, and the list goes on.  I’ll put on a happy face but deep down I am troubled by something.  I’ve hidden emotions just to make sure I didn’t rain on someone else’s parade.  That’s what guilt does to me.  It controls me and my actions.  But, what I need to do is stage an all out war.  Guilt vs. Forgiveness.  In the end, it is imperative that Forgiveness wins, come out on top and annihilate guilt.  It’s my fight and one of these days I hope it will end or at least there is a truce. 

Tired

The snow is glistening in the bright rays of the sun, the kids are playing well with each other, warm, yummy smells are coming from the kitchen.  Peaceful – yes, but yet I still feel an aura of  doom.  Not happy today.  Feeling empty inside.  Feeling like the smile not only has disappeared from my face but from my inner soul.  So, many  things not right.  They say deaths come in “three’s” but in the last 10 days I have known of four.  Two acquaintances, a friend and a relative.  One was surprising the others we have been waiting for.  The surprising one I think has hit the hardest because of the nature of the death.  He was suffering from depression, but I guess no one knew how bad it was because he took his own life and left a grieving wife and several children.  When I explained to one of my parents who this person was and what he had done, the reply was”Well, whatever was going on doesn’t matter because he took the easy way out!”  I was stunned by the matter-of-fact tone and the easy way the words came out.  I know that is their opinion and they are allowed to have it, but I felt as if a point was trying to be made with me.  Suicide is not proper and not the way we act in this family.  I have been down ever since.

Everything is a chore for me today.  There is nothing fun about being awake today.  Counting the hours until it is bedtime and at the same time cursing myself for feeling that way.  Wondering if God will ever forgive me for the things I have done.  Believe me there have been THINGS.  I have shut him out of my life because I feel that I do not deserve to be one of his children.  I feel like I gave up that right when I did those THINGS.  I believe that there is not enough forgiveness in the world for some of it to be handed to me.  When there are bad times for my family and friends, I do pray to Him.  I figure that He will listen to my prayer because I am asking for help for someone else.  I think that if I ask for guidance for my self, He will give it to me but at what cost?  Believing in yourself and believing in Him are not enough.  I need for people in my life to believe in me and not cast me aside as if I am just being dramatic.  I have been dismissed by too many people too many times.  After awhile, a chip does form on your shoulder and you start to withdraw.  I don’t like putting myself out there for fear of being rejected or hurt. 

When all the layers are stripped away, all that is left is a married woman with three children living modestly in a tiny town that is very lonely and tired.  Tired of being the primary parent, tired of being the primary housekeeper and bill payer, tired of being the primary cook and cab driver, tired of feeling inadequate to almost everyone I know, tired of being overweight, tired of lying to myself, tired of putting on a smile for others, tired of not having enough money and always just getting by, tired of not being who everyone wants me to be, but most of all I’m tired of feeling GUILTY about being TIRED.       

Wake Up America

Prejudice…….an ugly word.  There are too many people in our world today who make hasty decisions about someone or something without having all the facts.  For example, you see an overweight woman and you assume she must be lazy;a blonde woman who has clothes that cling to her in all the right spots must be ditzy; a man with a cowboy hat and big belt buckle must be a speech slurring rodeo riding hick; a family in line at the grocery store uses food stamps so they must be poor and to dumb to keep a job; a Republican must be an oil rich tycoon; a Democrat must have Hollywood in their back pocket; a policeman must love going to Dunkin’ Donuts; a librarian must have horn-rimmed glasses and no social life; a person goes to church on Sunday so they must be some bible thumping, holy roller who is going to tell everyone how doomed they are living the sinful life, and the list goes on, but you catch my drift.  We live in the 21st century and still there are too many people with closed minds that are throwbacks of 50-100 years ago. 

 On this list I am classified in 4 of the examples I gave.  But, I truly do not represent the prejudiced view of that category.  For example, I am an overweight woman, but I am far from lazy.  I do not choose to stay at this weight.  I do try to change but, there are times when other matters come up and that treadmill will have to wait.  I should probably make it a priority in my life, but I don’t.  I am not comfortable in my own skin, but I do not have time to obsess about it.  I accept it and go on…on to my busy day of being a housewife and mom.  My point is that it troubles me that people can make quick, rash judgements about others before knowing the facts or better yet the people themselves.  It is time for America to wake up and realize that we are scrutinized by other countries and, in particular, our enemies love it when we are at turmoil – not with another country – but with OURSELVES.  So, the next time you are ready to make that quick judgement of others – stop for a moment and wonder if inside they may be just like you.