Check-Up Time

Three months have passed and now it is time for my check-up at the urologist.  With great anticipation(ha), I await for the nurse to call me in to have the scope done.  I’m sure I have mentioned this before, but let me reitterate.  Having the scope done is more uncomfortable than having a pap test.  First, it stays in longer and second the instrument is a bit bigger.  When the doc came in, he asks the nurse what we are doing.  She looks annoyed as if he is insulting me that he doesn’t remember me.  She gives him the run-down as he is reading my chart and then says “Oh, yes the young one”.  Actually I am quite flattered that he has given me a nickname.  The nurse leans over and says that I would not believe how many patients he has and it can be quite daunting to keep up with them all.  I smile and tell her it’s okay, really.  I am not offended in the least little bit.  I have been in his waiting room, you know, me and the octogenarian set.  It’s cool.  He begins to explain what he’s going to do and that he will be seeing me every three months for the next two years(of course I already know this)and that this soon after the surgery he probably won’t find anything.  Moments later he says that he spoke to soon.  Deja vu.  This happened the last time.  Not liking the odds.

As it turns out, there is a tumor.  It is on the same side as before but in a different location.  He says he thinks there is just one.  He is without a doubt surprised and a bit unnerved.  He even says that he is shocked to see one so soon after the surgery.  Not very reassuring.  My theory is that since the tumors are slow growing maybe this one wasn’t big enough when I had my surgery and so it went undetected.  At least that is what is getting me through the night.  So, what is the next step.  Another surgery.  Only this time it is a little different.  He will have me come to his office and he will use a laser to burn it.  They will call me in about 2-3 weeks for me to come in.  Two DAYS later I get a call that my appointment is in 6 days.  What?!?  Where is my 2-3 weeks?  The nurse says the opportunity presented itself and he decided he wanted to get it out ASAP.  OK.  She then goes over all the details one more time to make sure I understand.

I have to get two prescriptions filled before I come(Percocet and Ativan)and bring them to the office, very important to not take them ahead of time.  Once I arrive, they will give me the medicine.  After it starts to take effect, they will go in and numb my bladder.  Then the lasering can begin.  It is called a cool laser and it will be inserted the same way the scope is.  He will burn the tumor and get out.  There is a 50/50 shot that I will have a catheter coming home, depending on the size of the tumor.  No chemo treatment.  Wait three more months and see what happens.  Thoughts?  My mom was cool with everything until she understood that the tumor would be burned off and then she exclaimed “Ouch, that’s gonna hurt”.  Thanks, Mom.  Personally, my heart sank, but it was not nearly as bad as the first time I was there.  The nurse did make a point to tell me that THIS time I needed to have someone with me.  I’ve been solo in the office so far.  I did feel like crying, but forced myself not to because I didn’t want to go through those emotions.  I thought I would feel better suppressing them.  Until two nights ago.  I was watching a repeat episode of “Sex in the City” and something about it just made me start to cry.  It was 11:30 at night, Chuck was gone and the kids were asleep, so I had myself a good cry.  I’m fortunate to be able to nip these tumors in the bud, but how many times will I have to do this?  I know that it shouldn’t matter how many times I have to do it, as long as I CAN do it.  But, it is the emotional toll it takes on me that wears me down.  And I worry, what if this leads to something bigger and more invasive.  We certainly don’t have our affairs in order or documents prepared like we should.  What if?

So, the attitude is to try and live each day the best you can.  Be the best wife, mother, daughter, sister, granddaughter, aunt, niece, cousin and friend that I can be.  Stop trying to please everyone else all the time and take time to put myself numero uno.  Easier said than done, but that is what life is all about, folks!          

Summer School

Summer school has finally come to a close.  Bryce had an up and down time with it and if I had to do it over again, I’m not sure we would have enrolled him.  It was a wonderful facility with great teachers and staff.  The program was very hi-tech and well constructed.  But, it was long.  Driving 25 miles one-way, four days a week for eight weeks was extremely tiring and costly.  Even Bryce tired of it half way through.  He reverted back to his mannerisms when he was a baby.  He would throw himself on the floor when we arrived.  He would cling to me like Saran Wrap.  He would scream and cry and beg me to not leave.  I found myself reliving the nightmare of his first few years of life whenever I would try to leave him.  After we moved into our new house, he seemed to be better.  He was anxious to tell the teachers about his new room and his new “playground”.  With a snap of a finger, Bryce was back to his old self.  It is quite alarming how quick the emotions changed, but am thankful none the less.  And now it is over.  He has a two week break before he begins kindergarten.  I don’t really want to get into that.  Let’s just say everyone should buy stock in Kleenex because there will be alot of it purchased for August 22.

Even though by Thursday of each week I was dragging my butt to get Bryce ready to go, there are some things I will miss about taking him to school.  Here are my top ten reasons of what I will miss about summer school:

10.  Spending some one on one time with Bryce.

9.   Listening to Bill Cunningham on 700 WLW.

8.   Being able to leisurely browse in stores without   screaming children in tow.        

7.   Reading a book that doesn’t begin “One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish”

6.   Not having to referee any big time wrestling matches.

5.   A&W’s chili cheese fries….yummy!

4.   Saying ‘Hi’ to Phil the Wal-Mart greeter.

3.   Not hearing “MOM” every 3 seconds.

2.   McDonald’s vanilla iced coffee.

1.   2 1/2 hours of pure uninterrupted silence.   

On the Move

Well, it has been awhile since I was able to find the time to post anything.  This has been an unusually hectic summer thus far.  We found out the second week of June that we were going to have to move from our home.  The circumstances surrounding this are very detailed and probably quite boring to some.  Suffice it to say, Chuck has to find a new job as well by September 1.  He was not fired and he did not quit.  He just became the victim of an unfortunate circumstance involving his boss and the boss’s boss.  I was a nervous wreck and tried very hard not to let the kids realize there was something wrong.  It was imperative that we stay within the school system, at least this year, because Bryce was already set up with his IEP and it was to late to start anew.  The day we found this out, Chuck’s boss called that night and told us about two places for rent.  At first, I was a bit miffed that he was telling me where I could go find a place to live, almost like he was anxious to get us out of the house and moving on with our lives.  The house we were living in was owned by them, so they were going to need to live in it once we left…………I know, I know, without the whole scenario it might seem confusing.  On his way home from work that night, Chuck went by both places and gave me a full report on what their conditions were based on outside appearances.  We decided to call the owners of one of the houses and get more details.  We looked at the house two days later, showed my parents the house two more days later and moved into the house 4 weeks later.  We’re moved and I am not happy about it!

Oh, don’t get me wrong I am thankful that my family has a roof over their heads and we have shelter from the storm, so to speak.  It’s just the premise of moving and the reasons we had to leave.  When we moved here 5 1/2 years ago, I told Chuck that this was it.  I was done being the gypsy family and this home was going to grow roots for us.  I said if he ever needed to move again it would be without me and the kids.  Seriously, I said that.  Seriously, I meant it.  Seriously, I considered it.  Even though none of this horse shit is his fault, I still felt betrayed.  I am tired of allowing ourselves to be put into vulnerable situations.  It’s time to take the bull by the horns and only worry about ourselves and no one else.  That ’s what everyone else does.  When you are going down the path of life, and you come to an intersection, you have to choose wisely which way you intend to go.  Some of our choices have not been wise.  Moving here to begin with was a wise choice, but somewhere in these past 5 years we became so comfortable that we didn’t really see the 1-2 punch that has blindsided us.   

I am angry I had to uproot my family; I am saddened to not have babysitters and friends for the kids to play with right across the road; I am mortified by how much junk we have accumulated over the course of 5 years; I am worried how this change will alter Bryce; I am stressed that Chuck will not be able to find a job; I am confused why some people do not understand my emotional concerns; I have mixed feelings over losing my dishwasher but gaining central air and I am just plain tired.  I truly appreciate all of our friends who helped us with the move and who came and helped me take off wallpaper, paint rooms and washed out cupboards and so on.  I do not like change so this is a big adjustment.  Our other house became a home almost immediately, but it will take a while longer for our new house to become home.  I think once I work through all of my emotions and forgive those who helped put us in this situation, I will finally be able to hang the sign that says “Home Sweet Home”.