The View?

Well, let’s state the facts, first.  This is a television show where women of different ages and backgrounds have come together and can offer up their opinions on different topics each day.  Next fact is that there are 3 hosts for sure each day: Rosie O’Donnell, Joy Behar and Elisabeth Hasselback(hope I spelled that right) and semi-regularly Barbara Walters joins them.  Of the four, I know that 3 of them are democrats with EH being the lone republican.  Todays episode was very hot at the beginning and I am afraid that before the next election it might get worse. 

Today the “hot topics” were Al Gore and everything”green” and of course the war in Iraq.  First, Gore.  Yesterday, EH brought up that on Fox News they stated that AG has a really high bill and EH thinks that he is not practicing what he preaches.  Today, Rosie gave her some info about how he is using solar and buys CO2 something and helps the trees and this is why he pays so much.  For starters, Rosie got that info from someone who sent her a Q on her blog.  Second, I don’t understand all of this.  If he is running his home environmentally sound, then why is his bill so high?  Does it cost more to be “green”?  Do you have to dig deeper in your pockets to pay to be earth quality control?  I just don’t understand.  That is why I think maybe watching his movie might give me the answers to his questions.  I think that we should do what we can but, all of this does not add up for me.  Maybe I spend too much time being a mother that I have lost my intelligent gene – who knows.

What I do know is that when they started on the Iraqi war and showed the interview with Bob Woodruff on ABC, things started to unravel.  These 3 women are each so emotional and passionate about their beliefs that I am afraid one day they will all self-destruct.  EH is a staunch Bush supporter and even she was taken aback by the thought that the Defense Dept put out “gag orders” about pics and statements about the war.  She wants to research it some more before she makes a sound judgement on the matter.  Being informed is great and I think that is the best policy, but JB went nutso and could not understand why EH would still back Bush.  I mean her hands were flailing and her eyes were filled with outrage as she just kept questioning EH.  Then RO started in and told EH that she was too young and someday she would realize that she is wrong about this and that the next president should revoke the Patriot Act as their first order of business and completely rely on the Constitution.  I am not kidding when I say that my eyes were welling up with tears because of what I was witnessing.  Raw emotion.  Real feelings.  No agendas.  Each standing up for what they believe.  The thing is that I got so carried away in the moment because I was experiencing one of the things that is so great about our country – FREEDOM!  These women who are so angry with administrative decisions and lack of bipartisan support would not have been lucky to vent their feelings if it were not for our freedom.  I’m all for a good debate because I would hate to live in a place where I would NOT be able to hear my own voice.            

New Look

Ok – if anyone has been reading this blog(and by my stats there have been several)you might notice that I changed the look.  The problem is that if the posts were to long then the words were so small in print.  I miss the pink but, I feel this is more my style.  Besides, I write like I talk…….way to much!!  I couldn’t even read my posts after I published them – that’s pretty bad.  Now if I was smart enough to make a few changes with this new look I would be very happy.  I am not very computer savvy and that is sad.  So, I hope this makes for easier reading.  Oh and I appreciate all that check out my blog – it’s nice. 

Oscar Thoughts

I love the Oscars!  I don’t know why, I just do.  I love seeing the clothes and the clips and all the A-listers schmoozing with one another.  I love rooting for the underdog and seeing them triumph.  I love the jokes and the music.  I just love the show. 

This year I can tell you that out of all the nominees for any category, I only saw one film – “Cars”.  But, I read magazines and listen to talk shows, so I can keep up on who’s who.  I’m glad that Martin Scorsese won this year – I’d hate to think he was becoming the Susan Lucci of the Academy Awards.  I LOVED that Jennifer Hudson won.  I voted for her on American Idol and she was my pick to win the whole thing.  Fantasia who?  Simon telling her she was out of her league – well good for him because I guess if she had won she never would have been given this opportunity.  I can’t wait to see if they talk about her this week on the show.  A girl with a dream.  Oh yeah, and she can sing, too.  If I was Jennifer, I don’t know which I would have like better – winning the Oscar or receiving it from George Clooney!!  He has gotten better with age.  He is …….yum!  Forget Brad, Tom, Matt, Ben, Matthew and all of those other young whipper-snappers – just keep putting George on the air. 

I thought Ellen did a nice job hosting.  No one could ever match Billy Crystal but, I think she should be invited back next year.  If she’s not, then I don’t know what they are looking for.  Those dancers were awesome!!  I read that they travel and do live shows.  I would pay money to see them perform.  I was smiling the whole time that Abigail Breslin and Jaden Smith were on stage.  Too cute!!  Sometimes the show seems so stiff and boring but, those two definitely added some “aahh” moments. 

For the most part, I thought the ladies did a nice job assembling their outfits.  From what I saw on the pre-show and during the show, not very many “way out” there outfits.  I loved Penelope Cruz(gorgeous), Reese Witherspoon(unfortunately divorce agrees with her), Cate Blanchett and Nicole Kidman(the bow is only something someone that tall and slender could pull off).  I was not fond of Anne Hathaways black and white dress, Cameron Diaz’ white dress(like the new hair color), Naomi Watts yellow dress(I thought she looked washed out) and Meryl Streep’s Prada ensemble(I thought she looked frumpy).  But, someone who did not look frumpy in the least was Helen Mirren.  If I look half that good when I am 61, I’ll be thrilled.

Overall, the show was long, again.  I was going to go to bed several different times but, I stayed up.  I always do.  I guess I’ll hit the rental store and check out some of these movies – that’s what I usually do.  And yes, I’m sure my sister will have a conniption but, I’m even going to check out “An Inconvenient Truth”.  I want to see what all the fuss is really about.           

Oh?!?

There have been a few interesting developments over the weekend regarding my weakness and being tired all the time.  I visited my gynecologist on Friday and was given a “heads up” on a few things.  A year ago, I had a hysterectomy but he kept my ovaries because he thought that they were still good and trying to do the hormones was going to be a real pain for me at this time.  For awhile now, I have been having alot of pain in the pelvic area that sometimes shoots down my leg.  He’s pretty sure that I have an ovarian cyst(again).  These things just come and go like a kid on the run.  I also had to get my yearly “check” – you know the one thing that delights women to no end – and he says we’ll wait to get the results back before we decide what to do with your cervix.  What??!!  I swear I am not going under the knife anymore.  The last time was horrible and the recovery was not the greatest.  So, the exam continues and I find out that I have a UTI, which I felt no pain with but, in the past has brought on unbelievable fatigue.  Oh, and a round of blood tests was needed.  I am to have an ultrasound this week to verify the cyst.  I have no idea when I will find anything out but, at least the UTI is being taken care of and I must say that I have perked up enough that I am not tired until mid-afternoon.  Now, if I could just have sunshine every day and maybe get these depression meds adjusted I might be ok.  Of course, at the present time, the boys are fighting over whose turn it is to have the big yellow tonka truck.  This really grates on my nerves, not because they are being loud but, also because we have more than one truck!!  Plenty for them to share.   

Britney

The headlines are storming in….”Oops she did it again”……this morning that would have been about Britney Spears checking herself back into rehab, but this afternoon, it is about her checking herself OUT of rehab once again.  I, of course, do not know Britney personally, but I am a mother and have seen my fair share of days gone bad.  This girl needs help.  Yes, I will refer to her as a girl and not a woman because she is not mature enough in her actions to be called a woman.  Child star since age 8, many hit records, 2 year marriage and 2 children under the age of 2 years.  All of that spells stress for any person, let alone a celebrity.  It is how a person manages stress that defines a persons character.  Partying all night, shaving her head, new tattoos, checking in and out of rehab facilities, is she begging for more attention and limelight or is she desperately screaming for help?  Whichever the case may be, she needs an intervention.  If these outbursts are for craving attention, she needs more than an intervention.  Does she really want to add herself to the long list of inebriated, selfish, destructive Hollywood celebrities?  I think maybe it is time for her to pack up her belongings and move out of Tinseltown and set up roots in a more calming, laid back community.  She needs to find herself and find how to become a better mother and daughter.  She needs to save herself from herself.  The time is right.  She’s just 25.  Easier said than done.  I need to find myself, too.  I need to figure out what makes me tick, what I do best and capitalize on that and figure out what I do the worst and kick it to the door.  Strip away the money and fame and Britney and I have alot in common.  I don’t do the party scene or take recreational drugs, but the inner demons are still there.  The demands on my life as a wife and mother can be extraordinarily exhausting and I believe that is part of Britney’s problem.  Child star since the age of 8 on the Mickey Mouse Club.  Demands ten-fold.  Teenage pop star.  Demands, demands, demands.  Wife and mother of two young children.  Even more demanding.  Sometimes you have to reach out to someone and just say “Help”.  Hopefully, Britney can do this and stick with it.  She has alot going for her.  She just needs to realize that and learn to ground herself with the important things in life.  Easier said than done. 

Forgiveness

I just read an e-mail one of my friends sent me about my “Tired” post.  She is a straight shooter.  She gives you an honest opinion and a refreshing view of life.  One thing she said to me is completely true.  I did not talk about it in my post because I don’t want to face it.  God can not forgive me until I forgive myself.  Yeah, he can forgive me but, I won’t allow Him to until I forgive myself.  I have talked with doctors and a therapist about what I did that has me wrangled with so much guilt.  The one person that I have not talked to is our minister.  I have made two appointments with her and called and cancelled them both.  I told her on the second cancellation that it was nothing personal, I’m just not ready.  She is as close to God as I’m going to get – in a physical form – and I am not ready to confront all of my sins at one time to her.  I have to let it go.  I have to put the past behind me and leave it there.  Instead, each year as the time approaches when I committed my ultimate sin, I drag myself through the whole thing all over again.  I’m not sure why.  Maybe it is a sick desire to be miserable.  Maybe I’m actually comfortable being this way because I have not experienced true happiness.    I’ve had things in my life that would be considered happy occasions but, what everyone doesn’t realize is that there was always a black cloud hanging over me.  Something was always amiss.  Something was not quite right – not perfect.  My wedding, the birth of our children, holidays, and the list goes on.  I’ll put on a happy face but deep down I am troubled by something.  I’ve hidden emotions just to make sure I didn’t rain on someone else’s parade.  That’s what guilt does to me.  It controls me and my actions.  But, what I need to do is stage an all out war.  Guilt vs. Forgiveness.  In the end, it is imperative that Forgiveness wins, come out on top and annihilate guilt.  It’s my fight and one of these days I hope it will end or at least there is a truce. 

Tired

The snow is glistening in the bright rays of the sun, the kids are playing well with each other, warm, yummy smells are coming from the kitchen.  Peaceful – yes, but yet I still feel an aura of  doom.  Not happy today.  Feeling empty inside.  Feeling like the smile not only has disappeared from my face but from my inner soul.  So, many  things not right.  They say deaths come in “three’s” but in the last 10 days I have known of four.  Two acquaintances, a friend and a relative.  One was surprising the others we have been waiting for.  The surprising one I think has hit the hardest because of the nature of the death.  He was suffering from depression, but I guess no one knew how bad it was because he took his own life and left a grieving wife and several children.  When I explained to one of my parents who this person was and what he had done, the reply was”Well, whatever was going on doesn’t matter because he took the easy way out!”  I was stunned by the matter-of-fact tone and the easy way the words came out.  I know that is their opinion and they are allowed to have it, but I felt as if a point was trying to be made with me.  Suicide is not proper and not the way we act in this family.  I have been down ever since.

Everything is a chore for me today.  There is nothing fun about being awake today.  Counting the hours until it is bedtime and at the same time cursing myself for feeling that way.  Wondering if God will ever forgive me for the things I have done.  Believe me there have been THINGS.  I have shut him out of my life because I feel that I do not deserve to be one of his children.  I feel like I gave up that right when I did those THINGS.  I believe that there is not enough forgiveness in the world for some of it to be handed to me.  When there are bad times for my family and friends, I do pray to Him.  I figure that He will listen to my prayer because I am asking for help for someone else.  I think that if I ask for guidance for my self, He will give it to me but at what cost?  Believing in yourself and believing in Him are not enough.  I need for people in my life to believe in me and not cast me aside as if I am just being dramatic.  I have been dismissed by too many people too many times.  After awhile, a chip does form on your shoulder and you start to withdraw.  I don’t like putting myself out there for fear of being rejected or hurt. 

When all the layers are stripped away, all that is left is a married woman with three children living modestly in a tiny town that is very lonely and tired.  Tired of being the primary parent, tired of being the primary housekeeper and bill payer, tired of being the primary cook and cab driver, tired of feeling inadequate to almost everyone I know, tired of being overweight, tired of lying to myself, tired of putting on a smile for others, tired of not having enough money and always just getting by, tired of not being who everyone wants me to be, but most of all I’m tired of feeling GUILTY about being TIRED.       

Dr. Temple Grandin

As an early birthday present my Mom gave me Dr. Temple Grandin and Sean Barron’s book entitled “Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships”.  It is a book for parents and I suppose young adults about figuring out how a child within the  autism spectrum deals with social encounters and behaviors.  On my first night of reading, I only made it to page 19, but I have implemented two changes in our lifestyle.  The book is 377 pages long.  If I have made 2 changes by page 19 can you imagine what I will do by page 377?  Dr. Grandin was on “The View” a few weeks ago when they did an hour long show about autism.  It was the first time I had heard her speak and I was moved beyond recognition.  Her manner of speaking and her gesturing reminded me of Bryce that it was almost eerie.  I felt like I could be her friend but, as I read the book I realized it was her Mother that I could really be friends with.  Her mother decided that from the very beginning that DTG(abbreviate now)would live as normal of a life as possible and would not be treated different by her family or her peers.  DTG was expected to first and foremost, have good manners.  My heart skipped a beat and I had a huge smile on my face when I read that because her mother essentially validated what I have been preaching all along to Bryce’s teachers.  I want him to have good manners because it is important for him to learn at least this lesson of life.  When Bryce was 3 and was going to his first pre-school, they had a snack time which was to teach the kids how to act at the dinner table and to learn to request food and drink in a nice way and to address sensory issues.  Even though Bryce used the picture system and could not verbally request his wants, I always told him after he received his snack to say “Thank you”.  Other mothers thought I was crazy for enforcing that with him.  Why make him feel pressure to say thank you when he can’t say “drink” or “pretzel”?  Well, he couldn’t say any of those words but I thought that if after he received his pretzels that I would say “say thank you”,it would become lodged in his brain.  This way when his words did come he would then remember “oh, I said pretzel and thank you comes after that”. Well guess what?  It worked.  He says please and thank you and he UNDERSTANDS what it means.  They are not just words to him, they mean something. 

It’s important for all kids to have good manners.  DTG says that it is lacking in our society today.  She grew up in the 50’s and 60’s and things were different then.  But, well behaved children never go out of style.  She says that her mother made it known that if she did something wrong that there were consequences.  This was known upfront and was enforced.  I agree with this.  Her mother also knew when her daughter was acting up out of spite and when her actions were something that she couldn’t control because of her surroundings.  That is huge.  As a parent you have to recognize when they are misbehaving and when it is just not their fault.  That has become a huge hurdle to conquer.  The roughest is when we are in public.  People can be rude.  Bryce can be out of sorts and acting up and people give me dirty looks or whisper to someone else and point at us.  I’m 80% over that.  Most of the time I think the hell with them.  That 20% is what I need to overcome.  My husband, though, is not there yet.  He can not handle a public uproar.  I don’t know if this is because he does not get as much time with him or if this is a “man thing” and he’s not as nurturing.     

If you have a child within the autism spectrum disorder or know someone who does, this book is a must read.  Our lives have been designed to learn from others and to consume their knowledge of what works and what doesn’t.  Like I said, I’m only on page 19 right now, but in my eyes Dr. Temple Grandin and her mother are heroes.         

The Feline Harem

The time has come to discuss the cats,the herd of cats-our feline harem.  Actually, I don’t know if it really classifies as a harem since it is a mixed group of males and females, but nevertheless, it is time.  I will first point out that I AM an animal lover, but for the love of pete, this is out of control.  I do not want any PETA people tracking me down, because quite frankly I don’t have the time or energy to deal with you.  With that being said, let me introduce you to my families 12 cats.

We live out in the country and have some barns on the property that house dairy cattle and store hay and machinery.  My husband found two orphan kittens in a ditch one morning on his way to work.  He brought them home and we kept them for the kids and for mice protection.  Our daughter named them Lizzie and Chirpy.  they were all gray and very cute but, very menacing as well.  They would climb on top of the tires, they would be underfoot at all times and they were just too friendly.  Because of this, a few months later, Chirpy met her maker at the hands of the pizza delivery boy.  Poor kid, he was distraught and I think he thought I was going to turn him over to the authorities the way he acted.  Initially, I was upset, not over the actual death but, that I was going to have to explain to our daughter(who was 4 1/2) at the time that Chirpy bit the big one.  It is one of those parenting moments that you know you will have to run into at some point but, you just dread it anyways.

Well, months went by and Lizzie was able to deal with her sisters death – actually she dealt with it quite well – she got herself knocked up.  Lizzie stayed as a barn cat but, she spent most of her time around the yard and house.  A few days went by one July and I wondered where she had wondered off to.  My husband found her one night.  She was camping out underneath our old dishwasher that we had put in the garage and she had company.  Our precious little Lizzie was a proud momma to ……..one kitten.  I thought to myself where are the other ones?  I also worked in a veterinarians office and I knew this was unusual.  But, the more I thought about it, I decided why not only have one.  I mean weird things happen to me all the time why not this?  Besides, maybe we could control the growth in population better.  So, we welcomed Cutie Pie into our family.

A mother and daughter-how sweet they were.  They looked exactly alike with the only distinction being Lizzie has a white line down her neck.  So as time goes by, these two go “cattin’around” and think each time they can set up a nursery ward in our garage.  The most disastrous time was onespring when I was having a garage sale and Cutie Pie kept hanging around, trying to set up shop.  I took her down to the barn and in no uncertain terms let her know that Chez Hospitale had relocated.  So in retaliation she had 5kittens.  Lizzie soon followed suit, but hers all disappeared.  I’m not sure what happened to all of them but, I know that 2 of them met their demise under the hood of my husbands truck.  So, months pass and Lizzie keeps popping them out and they keep disappearing.  For awhile I thought maybe she had opened up her own adoption agency.  Two of Cutie Pie’s get hit on the road and our family becomes a little smaller.   Last spring, mother and daughter decided to populate again and had 11 kittens between them.  What a fiasco.  They both insisted on nursing in the garage and whenever someone came in or out the door, the kittens would scatter to parts unknown.  The funny thing about this group was that they didn’t seem to diminish very quickly.  And one fine summer day,  a black kitten from CP was sitting on top of some blankets in the garage.  The kids and I went to town and when we returned, she had had 3 babies!!  I decided right then and there that this was it.  I was not going to become outnumbered by a bunch of felines.  I shooed the kids in the house and went to back the van out of the garage in hopes that she would move them if she were not disturbed.  THUMP!  Well, cat population – minus one. 

The black cat’s kittens didn’t make it and there were a few more runaways.  12 cats is a lot and I have been bickering about it.  A few months ago, my husband came in from the barn and with a devilish grin said”I’m not sure where they came from or who they belong to, but add 5 more to the mix”!  The thing is that you know it’s bad when people start talking about “all of those cats”.  One night after Thanksgiving, our new neighbors came across the road to introduce the kids to our kids.  Their oldest, “J”, is 5.  He is very intelligent and has a very broad and understandable vocabulary.  He was chatting away with me about his family and his pre-school and the pets he had at home when all of a sudden he looks me in the face and in a very deadpan voice states”You sure got alot of cats around here”.  Pretty pathetic when a 5 year old can point out the obvious in a very clear, precise, matter-of-fact tone.  At that moment I knew that I was probably going to be coined as the “crazy old cat lady”.                        

Love and Kisses

Happy Valentines Day to everyone!  Whether you love or despise this day, there really isn’t anyway of avoiding it.  The stores start filling their shelves with candy and cards and sexy lingerie the day after Christmas.  Hallmark runs those adorable ads enticing all of those smitten guys out there to come and buy their sweetheart the next craze in talking, hugging bears.  The restaurants run special menus and spas have exciting relaxing packages to purchase.  But, is it all really necessary?  Do we have to have a holiday specifically earmarked as “go buy the diamond and propose already”.  

My husband and I have been having a lovers quarrel lately(fight).  I won’t get into the assorted details of our disagreement(he’s wrong-I’m right) that has lasted for a few days now.  But, as we were discussing(yelling)a certain topic(again!), I told him not to bother with a card, flowers or any other materialistic token of his love because I didn’t want it(actually true).  I then went on to tell(yes, tell not yell)him that I don’t ask for much from him except for courteous, responsible, genuine behavior.  He stares at me blankly because I’m sure all he is hearing is “I yada yada him blah blah blah – oh she’s done talking now”.  In an attempt to drive home my point I tell him that I have to be every living, breathing man’s ideal spouse because I DON’T want to celebrate this stupid day!  He’s not convinced, which I must say is part of the problem because he just doesn’t pay attention.  I don’t need a special day to tell him that I love him and I particularly don’t want HIM to NEED a special DAY to TELL ME that HE LOVES ME!  Is that so much to ask?  In the past, he has been very generous with gifts and it’s lovely but, I want him to want to and not feel as if he has to.  Last year at this time, I had to have a hysterectomy.  My family was good about helping out and sending flowers and food and helping with the kids.  But, on Valentines Day he asked if I would be ok by myself and he took our youngest son and went to town to pick up some groceries.  Great!  I have the house to myself;  he is buying food; I can be in a drug induced state of mind, this is the life.  When he returns, he has a bouquet of flowers and a nice card.  I had forgotten what day it was and it was all very touching.  But, he didn’t need to get me the flowers because he took Brady with him to the store and being in a quiet house was present enough.  It’s the small things, the things that truly come from the heart that are most important to me.

So, in a few more hours this day will pass.  We are not quarreling anymore because I started talking to him in a normal tone.  We had a nice little blizzard yesterday and all day long all I did was worry about whether or not he would make it home from work in one piece.  I was relieved when he drove in the drive in the darkness of the night – completely safe and sound.  THAT was my Valentine’s Day gift – even if he doesn’t understand it.